programming is not cool. its just for nerds. programming is not healthy. it will only push you back inside your head, outside reality.
[later note: this was not written to be taken literally, but to a) realize the negative thoughts that were internalized and b) try to push them out of the system]
Wir experimentierten mit Grillen; Wir sahen sie dominieren, unterwerfen, kaempfen und verstecken. Sie ordnen sich ein in eine soziale Hierarchie.
Wir sind nicht anders. Es geht nicht darum, was wir koennen, oder was wir duerfen, sondern darum, uns zu nehmen, was wir wollen. Die Einbildung zu haben, es gehoere uns, der Platz, die Ressourcen, die Freunde, das Recht – das allein, diese Arroganz, reicht aus, um es zu erhalten.
Denn Menschen sind weit duemmer, als wir annehmen. If we see someone assertive, we trust he knows what he wants and getting it. Er kann nicht durch sie hindurchsehen, er weiss nicht, ob sie kompetent ist oder gutmuetig. Er verlaesst sich, unfreiwillig, auf oberflaechlige Merkmale, um sie zu beurteilen, er laesst ihre Ausstrahlung auf sich wirken, in sich wirken, und ordnet sich relativ zu ihr ein.
Ich dachte immer, es ginge darum, was man wirklich kann und wirklich weiss, doch das steht nicht an erster Stelle: Ich kann und weiss so viel, but took and got so little.
i dont know what they are saying, we dont understand their words, they are talking, he is meaning something
going for an adventure, living pure life, enjoying the world, enjoying being being freedom, feeling freedom
taking an unknown path which is to be uncovered
when i look at bangaltar, i feel such admiration for his music and what he did as a teen: pure passion for electronic music. but mostly i feel jealousy, how i dont have the tools he had, the connections he had, the fans he had. i feel too distant from this culture, i want to get into the clubs and meet other producers. i like the old style, lofi electronic music, with hardware gear. i just want to get into this culture.
what am i even stressed about? it seems like my mind is in an anxious state just because it is. as if it was simply so used to it that it won't stop, even though there is nothing to be afraid of. what am i afraid of? what is it? tell me.
is it that i will be alone, that i will have no friends? but i have friends, i have people who care. but does not everybody else have so many friends, and so many good friends? maybe. maybe not. don't compare yourself, even if everybody else was just like you assume them to be, they have a different path in life than yours. you started different, so you can be somewhere else. its okay, youre okay, youre socialable enough.
is it that i have to plan my trip to italy? oh boy, yes you have to do that. and you're alright to be a little afraid since YOU DIDNT PLAN A SINGLE THING AND WILL DEPART IN A WEEK. i dont need much planned, and i could just go without a plan, but i would like to see what i can do there.
stay calm. whatever will happen will happen, and you are doing your best. be motivated, but accept the future as it is, unknown and uncontrollable.
i just watched the beginning of electroma (especially this part ), und fiel auf, wie sehr mir doch die athmosphaere gefaellt! es ist wirklich ein sehr komisches gefuehl, das hier vermittelt wird, man kennt es nicht von anderen filmen oder musik, es scheint also auch ziemlich originell zu sein.
es ist diese einsamkeit. diese unendliche einsamkeit, von aussen und von innen. nicht nur sind die beiden alleine in der wueste, nein, sie selber sind nicht mal menschen. es gibt, um genau zu sein, keinen. nur kalte wesen, roboter.
und das half mir wohl zu verstehen (wenn ich es denn verstanden habe), dass ich auch ein sehr einsamer mensch bin. vielleicht unverstanden. vielleicht einfach anders. vielleicht antisozial. aber da ist irgendetwas,und ich muss mich nicht davor verstecken. ich muss mich nicht dazu zwingen, charismatisch und beliebt zu sein! ich kann auch dieses mysteriöse bewusstsein in mir tragen. es geht aber hauptsaechlich darum, den eigenen charakter zu spielen, und nicht den eines anderen. sich selbst zu akzeptiere, und dem bin ich wohl auch nun etwas naeher gekommen.
trotzdem ist nicht zu leugnen, dass ich eine sehr soziale seite habe! zumindest sensitiv, aber wohl auch expressiv. oder nicht? ich merke sehr stark, dass ich grosse probleme mit meiner expression und koerperkontrolle habe; das aber auch nur, wenn leute anwesend sind. ich fuehle mich gezwungen, mit allen menschen zu harmonieren. ich fuehle mich gezwungen, witze zu machen und lustig zu sein, und auf die witze anderer zu reagieren. ich will nicht still und nachdenklich sein, ich habe so das gefuehl, langweilig zu sein. nicht ich zu sein. aber was bin ich? ich bin doch irgendwie beides! ich bin ruhiger, aber sicher nicht langweilig!
mir gefaellt auch der etwas meditativere zustand, mit dem man durch die welt gehen kann. es auf sich wirken lassen, introspektion, die dinge so geschehen lassen
and now i actually feel really good. a little too good; this feeling is not full fullfillment, but anxious expectations believed to be come true in this moment; it's not of long time or great depth. but: a good feeling after all. a little boost, some energy.
but i believe it's good that i'm feeling that, because i will remember it, and think: i was in the zone then. i can be in the zone, i can be charismatic, i can feel like this. in theory, i could feel like this whenever i want. i can use this moment as a future reference on how to feel. like, from the heart. not force myself to feel good, but remember what this energetic moment felt like, and just “load this configuration”.
but why do i feel like this? because i feel validated. i have found friends. i learn languages. traveling seems to be even more feasible. i have found hope but at the same time i expect this to be forever. i want this to be forever. i want to have perfect friends, i want to have a perfect life, i want to have the perfect travel experience. i fear that i will lose this, lose my friends, that they will turn away from me. because i fear that i will not get this again: it seems to me that i was just lucky. i don't have these friends because they like me, i did not deserve them, but just because the situation just happens to be like this. just pure luck.
but i have to remember: i am a personality! with flaws, yes, a little shy, a little neurotic, yes, but that's okay! i can accept who i am because this is who the people want to see! i am a good person, and it's okay to be like i am. i am someone! i dont have to pretend to be somebody else!
i have a moment of feeling like shit. i dont know exactly where it comes from, but it happens quite a lot. it's when people, especially multiple persons at once, want something from me. and even though i could easily meet their expectations (like respond to a question), i wont do it. instead im just afraid of how im not able to do that. i fear that they will hate me when i respond, and i fear that they will hate me when i dont respond. thus i feel like i cant escape, again this feeling of being locked up, ich fuehle mich eng, ohne ausweg. ich bin ohnmaechtig, kann nichts tun, kann nur leiden.
normalerweise bin ich ziemlich zuvorkommend und freundlich. vielleicht will ich damit anerkennung erzwingen. jedenfalsl ist es ja manchmal so, dass man nicht freundlich ist, weil man sich schlecht fuehlt oder keine zeit hat. ich merke, dass einige leute manchmal einfach so sind und das ist okay. ich trau mich das aber nicht. ich habe dann angst, dass die leute mich hassen und von mir wegkehren. ich sollte mich trauen, ich sollte es mir manchmal erlauben, unfreundlich zu sein.
Father's Lullaby
stare into his little eyes. little eyes, yet full of black. it's like i'm staring into nothingness, no matter how deep i stare. there is nothing. no sign of personality, no emotion, no fear no anger no happiness left in this soul.
stare deeper. What is it, are you somewhere there? I can't see you, see your self Or are you gone, for real, at last? ... Child, are you fooling me? Playing stupid games with me?
his upper lip moves a bit. ah, weakness, how pathetic. that is enough.
he screams in pain, his eyes torn open, his eyes full fear, his heart full sorrow. Shhhh. It is alright, This is all good. You deserve this! It's all for you. You are not worth, not from this earth, Your pain, it is deserved well.
he does not understand. he does not understand the world. he thought he was someone, something, but he needs to learn that next to me he's nothing. his mere existence hurts my eyes. he must learn how not to feel, how not to be. but he feels and it's that he's sorry. he cries for help, he wants to be, he wants to feel
You do not understand, my son: I know better, know it all. I say to you, and so be told: You can't feel and you can't think, Since when you cry about your life: You err in that you have a life! Since when you crave a little thing: I told you, you deserve but naught! Since when you think you have a thought: think Of what Your madness has brought! And I can't allow you question it How dare you think, think for yourself? You're to be taught, your thoughts are null. So listen closely as I teach:
he screams in pain, his eyes torn open, his eyes full fear, his heart full sorrow. Shhhh. It is alright, This is all good. You deserve this! It's all for you. You are not worth, not from this earth, Your pain, it is deserved well.
cmoncmoncmoncmoncmoncmon
seriously! come on! why do let this happen all the time, now yet again another time.
it's not supposed to be this hard. initiative. the beginning. the start. getting youself together to just sit there, that's literally just what i mean.
i'm not even talking about creating creative creations, i'm not about wonderful works, astonishing art, thoughtful texts or critical critics. i'm only complaining about my struggles of starting, my inability to begin writing. where's my initiative? is it so hard to find?
there seem to be people who actually managed to develop a habit. i want that. just something. nothing big, nothing special, it's not about that, it's about something, just some little thing.