and now i actually feel really good. a little too good; this feeling is not full fullfillment, but anxious expectations believed to be come true in this moment; it's not of long time or great depth. but: a good feeling after all. a little boost, some energy.
but i believe it's good that i'm feeling that, because i will remember it, and think: i was in the zone then. i can be in the zone, i can be charismatic, i can feel like this. in theory, i could feel like this whenever i want. i can use this moment as a future reference on how to feel. like, from the heart. not force myself to feel good, but remember what this energetic moment felt like, and just “load this configuration”.
but why do i feel like this? because i feel validated. i have found friends. i learn languages. traveling seems to be even more feasible. i have found hope but at the same time i expect this to be forever. i want this to be forever. i want to have perfect friends, i want to have a perfect life, i want to have the perfect travel experience. i fear that i will lose this, lose my friends, that they will turn away from me. because i fear that i will not get this again: it seems to me that i was just lucky. i don't have these friends because they like me, i did not deserve them, but just because the situation just happens to be like this. just pure luck.
but i have to remember: i am a personality! with flaws, yes, a little shy, a little neurotic, yes, but that's okay! i can accept who i am because this is who the people want to see! i am a good person, and it's okay to be like i am. i am someone! i dont have to pretend to be somebody else!