jlu

oh so you feel pressured into achieving something, becoming successful by the society's standards? and you want to adapt your personality so that you can seem “normal”, hoping to be respected as a normal part of society? you fear to truly be yourself, you don't want to study computer science because you'll seem like a nerd?

well fuck that. fuck those feelings, fuck the people who only know how to adapt to everything like a fucking sheep, fuck all those expectations and just be your own fucking self. first, youll feel better, because – surprise – being oneself is more efficient, truthful and just literally better wtf. second, you'll also actually be respected for having the guts to be yourself in a world full of expectations [btw yea i know my word choice is kinda narrow with this one], for being an original personality, which, btw, will also make you more “succesful” if done right. but the nice thing is you're not living for somebody else but just yourself.

just fuck it all

[yea its important to say “fuck everything” from time to time. like, cleansing all the shit outta yoself.]

i can't stand it for any minute longer! what good are those fears if they do nothing but keep you back, in your little fucking safety net where its warm and comfortable when it's boring and depressing! no, not just that, it would be a disgrace to waste your life like that! thats not what its supposed to be you have to take the risks and see what is behind! you have to feel the emotions, taste the danger, lick the freedom and be there for once in your life! and i mean be really and wholeheartedly there, with all your soul and everything you have which is just yourself and the universe

it doesnt mean anything anyways! i want to tear apart this thick coat of safety, i want to lay it off but i dont know how! i fear that ive been waiting too long, i dont know how to live anymore. i dont know how to speak anymore. i have no friends and i feel ugly and stupid, how will anyone like me like this? how will i ever like myself like this? i just want to experience something, i have to

has he ever dreamt of freedom? he was a prisoner, of a prison he built on his own! one might never understand why and for what reason he builds walls around himself just to tear them down yes, he wants to fly, going for the sky! he wants to be freed, sASFHOIASUDFHASOFUHASDKJHBj

what he hasn't seen he wants to see what he hasn't done he wants to do and it's just that what's breaking him: breaking free from everything, everything and everyone to be fleeing from himself, aiming for what he could be

when others look around and see they are at a place to be! but no matter where he goes he sees a prison everywhere, the whole world a confinement limiting what he could be, the walls he's seeing all around

he ever had the dream of freedom “let him be! he's free to dream!” he couldn't help, although, but scream inside this prison, inside his head the locked-up cage that is his heart, far'way dreams and distant hopes all these breaking him apart

T: He who puts himself in chains Sees a prison everywhere

when i think about going to college and working in groups, i imagine that there might be others who are more intelligent than me. since i am very often the most intelligent person in the room (if im not terribly mistaken), it might evoke emotions of unworthiness, or denial instead as a protective mechanism. this denial might lead to delusions that i would still be the most intelligent person there, leading to hidden fears of failing and perfectionism. i would either not sit down to learn to avoid uncovering the delusion that i already know everything, or forcefully cram everything inside me as much as possible ... well okay let's just stop the prognoses here.

worauf ich eigentlich hinauswollte ist, dass sich mein selbstwert nicht auf meine intelligenz beschraenken sollte, zuallermindestens nicht auf perfekter, unbestrittener intelligenz. ich erkenne sie an, haenge aber nicht ab von ihr.

doch wenn mein wesen nicht die intelligenz ist, was dann? wer bin ich?

nun, es erleichtert mich zu sehen, dass es genausowenig einfach ist, die essenz anderer menschen zu beschreiben. ich koennte versuchen, mich mit worten zu beschreiben, aber um mich zu kennen, muss man mich erleben, genauso wie mit jeder anderen person. beschreibungen sind bloss vereinfachte skizzen komplexer persoenlichkeiten. ich bin einfach ich. sie ist einfach sie, ich kann sie dir nicht beschreiben, ich kann sie nur andeuten: essenzen sind unaussprechbar.

maybe you should give up on your egocentric mind. you're always so caught up on your feelings, your fears and hopes, and you're your own eminent tragedy. but you forgot: we all live tragic lives! and for every tragedy, someone always has or had it worse. open up! see the things from a more cosmic perspective. just let things happen sometimes, just let them come and let them go, it is so much more natural to allow your surroundings.

it's an illusion to think that you have it bad! stop pitying yourself! believe in yourself in the same way that you believe in reality! you exist as much as anything else and that's enough.

my mother always pities herself. there is this type of person that sees itself as the victim of the world and everyone, at the same time though, secretly, worships itself. you are not the center!

i honestly don't know how to describe this feeling i'm having right now. i want you to feel that right now, i want you to understand. it is such a liberating feeling to be part of something bigger, something you don't understand, something to give up to. not entirely! know the balance! everything in moderation. including egoism. just: have a sense of your self and your surrounding. of when you're too full of yourself or lack identity.

i stare at people for too long. i dont want to but i need to. for too long i was avoiding to look outside, i was always looking away, looking inwards. wrapping yourself inside-out is awkward first, but it will go away. it will go away.

im a fake person when around others. i have ideal expectations of myself, i want to be loved, i want to be cool, i want to be someone inside a group. i try to force it. however i should just be myself, even if it means that im awkward. thats just who i am right now. it has a reason. it is okay. anyone in my position would be like that, probably worse. exert this confidence. so for example sometimes i make jokes that make no sense, simply because i want to be funny. but thats not sincere! just be sincere, be authentic. however i have fears, fears that keep me from being authentic. so i could be honest about this fear and show it, or i could “fake it till i make it”. honestly, what will bring me further?

alright i thought writing will clear things up for me, but now im even more confused. now im risking getting into a thinking spiral of confusion about words and vorstellungen. its just what it is. at this point, right now, thinking wont help. just be the moment.

WELL the thing is i already know that, when im relaxed, i can be awesome. i really like myself in my relaxed state, im okay with me then. so i dont need to focus on becoming something or someone else, i just need to “focus” on relaxing. i can be charismatic, i believe im very sociable underneath my layers of distrust and stress. however, just fucking relax, you dont need to force anything.

you want to be social so bad, but just know that its not necessary! its just a nice thing to have. you're already living your life! thats it, your greatest goal is achieved in every moment that you enjoy your existence.

now what do i learn from this? what shall i keep in mind? nothing. stop thinking. feel it. feel the moment. be there. be now.

never stop writing. ich flehe dich an, und wenn du auch alles aufgibst, so gib nicht das Schreiben auf.

i never organize myself. i say to myself: “thats just how i am. i'm just that chaotic live-in-the-moment guy. i dont need to plan my future”. i dont have any habits which stands in the way of reaching goals, like learning the piano, for example.

i dont set goals and i dont plan because im afraid that i will fail. i dont want to invest into my future because i risk “wasting my time”. i dont want to bewerben mich for that position because i fear getting rejected. i just want to float through life without fixed position.

what do i want?

They claim that mental issues with adults may very well be related to their inabilty to fully be themselves in early childhood. Their caregivers were not capable of dealing with the aggressive, demanding personalities of infants, which is why they learned to supress their own needs and comply with their caregivers in order to receive love and support. This behaviour affects them long after childhood, leaving them “unanchored”, “inwardly dead” and “not entirely present”.

Children should not bother with the problems of their caretakers, but freely act out and explore their own selves.

They state that the true self is not social and not moral, but inherently egoistic. It chooses its behaviour entirely on its own, irrespectable of what others might feel or think, thus often misbehaving. When it does choose to be friendly or adorable, it is not to receive love or admiration, because it is not dependent on it. A child should be allowed to express their true self, with all its aggressiveness, which includes hurting and destroying its surroundings, including its caretakers. It should not be confronted with the consequences, rather it should learn that the surroundings are not too fragile for its true self.

It follows that a child that developed a true self is able to adapt in a system of rules, temporarily ignoring own needs to function in society. It does not need to rebel constantly because it has already done so in childhood.

Psychotherapy helps people that had to comply in early childhood and thus could not develop a true self. It provides a safe space where they can act out their perhaps aggressive, ugly urges and feelings to gain a sense of their true selves. Only after that they can adapt to society and ignore parts of their needs.

kinda weird guy a little awkward, a little clumsy sometimes closed and sometimes open a lot of potential, polymath, but artist at heart: a mysterious guy

spontaneous! an energetic guy! except for the particular times that depression and melancholy keep him down and hold them back? gives him more depth!