i stare at people for too long. i dont want to but i need to. for too long i was avoiding to look outside, i was always looking away, looking inwards. wrapping yourself inside-out is awkward first, but it will go away. it will go away.
im a fake person when around others. i have ideal expectations of myself, i want to be loved, i want to be cool, i want to be someone inside a group. i try to force it. however i should just be myself, even if it means that im awkward. thats just who i am right now. it has a reason. it is okay. anyone in my position would be like that, probably worse. exert this confidence. so for example sometimes i make jokes that make no sense, simply because i want to be funny. but thats not sincere! just be sincere, be authentic. however i have fears, fears that keep me from being authentic. so i could be honest about this fear and show it, or i could “fake it till i make it”. honestly, what will bring me further?
alright i thought writing will clear things up for me, but now im even more confused. now im risking getting into a thinking spiral of confusion about words and vorstellungen. its just what it is. at this point, right now, thinking wont help. just be the moment.
WELL the thing is i already know that, when im relaxed, i can be awesome. i really like myself in my relaxed state, im okay with me then. so i dont need to focus on becoming something or someone else, i just need to “focus” on relaxing. i can be charismatic, i believe im very sociable underneath my layers of distrust and stress. however, just fucking relax, you dont need to force anything.
you want to be social so bad, but just know that its not necessary! its just a nice thing to have. you're already living your life! thats it, your greatest goal is achieved in every moment that you enjoy your existence.
now what do i learn from this? what shall i keep in mind? nothing. stop thinking. feel it. feel the moment. be there. be now.