jlu

okay, has everything been said and done? i want to sleep now. is there really nothing more to do, nothing more to think about? thats it.

-perhaps listen to a song? yes, that would be great, and then go to sleep. tomorrow i have to work, and i will work, and i want to work. and i love to wake up – hey, maybe my trouble going to sleep is the same trouble waking up? along the lines of “he who wants to learn to sleep first has to learn to wake up”?

hm! and then i begin to think, and then i begin to question whether this has really been it, and then i magically fall into the lands of my dreams, where i hope to find rest

okay but seriously i dont want this to be some poem or so, sorry, so:

tomorrow i want to get back on track with uni. fgi. se. beide seminare. beide. everything. mein zeitplan. fgi test. all das.

and i will meet with hande, i really want to see her again. and i want to play some piano. lotsa stuff to do! and its already 3 am! so wake up at 12, you will have slept enough, go shower, go eat, go work, do it! do it! yes! like, you will plan stuff. plan it. (im feeling left brain again. man idk if i should picture myself like that. left brain mode. im not two brains, im merlin!)

hello there,

i want to write a bit, it makes me feel calm.

i dont know if writing is the solution, i dont know if thinking is the solution, does there have to be a solution.

im sorry, i just want to feel. how? how do i? tell me?

but im feeling something when i write, so i come back here from time to time, a piece of home maybe. but then i get pretentious! but then i get slighly arrogant! (im not really arrogant inside, please believe me i swear) and i expect my words to be wise or deep

i just want to feel and be. just let me be. so why can i not write something stupid, or unelegant, or a thought not well-thought through, why not! why not! hey, why! who am i writing for? the crowd? the people? myself? who am i? what for? why? why?

okay now chill for a sec dude its not like its such a difficult question okay? you like feeling like you're in such a tragedy that youre seeking the unanswerable answer, but you tell the story yourself just how you want it to be. you're asking just that question to get exactly no answer it seems to me.

so im sorry! but its still like every word i write could later be something i show to my girlfriend and also perhaps the great humanity out there that was, of course, just waiting to hear what i, the great merlin, was about to say, like they had nothing better to do.

just let me be. how. just let me be. it hurts to be expecting that much, it hurts to be your own crowd. i mean okay its not that bad, its pretty much just what it is, its just what im experiencing, its my own little tragedy – and there we have it again! now this is the tragedy im telling myself, the tragedy of he who did not choose to be in the tragedy, and no im not being overdramatic but a little bit, yea, like pretending to be a bit more than i actually am.

i dont know what love is. i dont know who i love. i dont know why i love. i want to love my girlfriend. how do i do that. just how.

whatever, just write. its okay. you dont need to be so much, things are not as great as they seem. be yourself before you're great.

dududu

laura,

i really like you and (what ive been hearing of) matt, and i want to see you (laura again, talking, being together, enjoying our time, and probably matt for the first time, just seeing this person and maybe become friends (i hope so! but it will come what will come) and i

feel a bit guilty not writing you, i feel like im not listening enough, i feel like youre in pain sometimes, i want to be there for you, i want you to know that im there, and im really happy that you have matt with who you talk all the time & are safe with, you feel kinda alone it feels to me, but you live in acquaviva thats hard man

i want to join you two, but laura you know me, im a bit chaotic, sorry for that!

1. feel discomfort and self rejection
2. remember and try to apply zen
3. accept and notice the discomfort and self rejection
4. now, am i accepting the discomfort or am i currently in discomfort?
5. hm, maybe use the “words cant help here” card?

there is no real “i”, no real me and you, no real distinct humans, everything is “just” a huge complicated dance and flow of energies and information, structures and psychological streams of feelings and opinions, swirling around between humans and inside human minds which are, not even necessarily in an esoteric sense, interconnected and merged to an extent.

the distinction between subject and object, me and not me, outside and inside is not really needed and even an illusion, some words say. while meditating i tried to feel my body and then extend that feeling of “me” to all the other impressions i got from my surroundings, or rather: i let go of that distinction of “my body” and “my surroundings” and i wanted to achieve this feeling of unity and freedom of the constrained mind, however i didnt get there because i was still attached to words and concepts and desires, which is okay, however then:

i dont even need to feel it for it to be true. it's an illusion and it will be like that, if im gonna recognize that or not, i can rely on that.

these are just words however, truth not to be found here

so i have thought a lot, philosophized a lot, meditated a lot and delved a bit in psychedelic realms, and i have been on a voyage of learning and experiencing more and more, and feeling like i have gotten somewhere and feeling like im letting go of words, of myself more and more, as if im in a path to liberation, however i feel myself wanting something dramatic, learn something deep about life, have that “enlightenment”, that spiritual “end” where everything is fine and the cosmos has come to understand itself and find itself in pure safety, pure endless being, unconstrained by thoughts and words.

i feel myself a bit too attached to just that, essentially abusing that feeling. and so i want to liberate myself from that feeling again, and then i sense im going back to that path, and return to cling to it. its okay. its a practise. you wont get arrogant if you let go. let go of the fact that youre not perfect, let go of the fact you cant always let go and sometimes cling. just let go.

he was lying and relaxing, thinking about her, thinking about him, being around and okay with everything there was, there was nothing more to do, nothing more to hold on, and he felt his heart beating calmly, the sound that frightened him once now gave him warm comfort, he felt some strange sensations in his back and in his right ear, and somehow knew: that was it, that was me, in this world. i will be free from now and free forever, “apocalypse dreams” was playing in the background and there was no other way he would have wished to die.

what are you holding on to? what is it that you don't wanna lose?

so before and when i delve deeper into psychedelics again, deepen your relationship with your mind, with your emotions, get closer to mental/spiritual safety, stability and satisfaction (if i were feeling important now i would denote them bigly as the three “S” of something)

the last few days i felt a slight, but constant negativity, like a shade behind my eyes. where does it come from? can i just placebo it away or do i need to find and work on its potential cause? well and right now i feel like its cause is just my perfectionist attitude that compares my current situation in life with ideals/others, which i feel is best summarized by “dissatisfaction”.

why be dissatisfied then? the teaching of zen and pretty much any religion or philosophy about happiness is about living with what is, living with the moment. and what exactly am i criticizing? nothing in particular, and if i had something, well then i have something to work on which is good (i do tend to feel a bit bored right now, with nothing to do in my holidays). it would just depress me if i thought i couldn't achieve it, but that's just unrealistic, of course you can do something! but well as i said, there is nothing in particular, it's just my automated self-criticism, so i can safely see myself out of that pattern :) there is no need to be generally dissatisfied.

to be a bit more specific, right now im just spending a lot of time online again, in my room, and it disappoints me a little. in some moments i just binge over something that i find no real joy in, almost like an addiction (which technically isnt the same problem i began with here), but if i dont do it i just feel bored. so i have this idea of going out more, doing something new, but i just dont know what! i want to do some stuff closer to nature, closer to people, something slightly spiritual even. and hey you can do it! open your mind and it will approach you, open your eyes and take your chances! but also, it's okay to have a phase where you stay in your room. you know you're outgoing, you've proven that to yourself now so you can rest assured on that point. so paint your life with a little brighter colors :)

side note on satisfaction: it's not “real” if you try to cling on to it. it's real when it comes deeply, naturally. which is not so easy. so don't try to force or talk yourself into it, just choose different colors to paint your mental images, no need for justification there, and in the end, no words i describe here (i believe right now) can really get you to this authenticity, it comes from a peaceful mind reached by stuff like meditation, end of words -