jlu

im reading words on taoism and zen, i seem to be striving and thirsting, my head in slight headache. you want to learn more and more on how to live in harmony, while you think “i can stop thinking”.

so how do i live in harmony? do whats here. go sleep.

focus on your breath. how do you focus? what is focus? how does that work? i dont know how to focus. i dont understand focus. how do i do it? just listen to it? watch it? watch your breath? ok.

you still decide what you focus on. studying the mind (self-analysis, reading on buddhism et al) may direct you to liberation. however. then, especially discipline is needed to free your mind. (to “rewire your brain”, in 2010's terms)

so your joking aggressions are just that, jokes? so you never get angry at anyone? and if you do, you will express that anger just how you feel it? i mean this is how, sometimes, we wrap disappointed and such feelings around in nicer packages like jokes or sarcasm! i don't believe you when you say you're not really being serious and you shouldnt bother!

i mean also, suppose you're angry at someone or you don't like what they did. how will you tell them? i also dont think you will tell them directly. it appears to me that: you will not do anything! you will just be angry so that your anger will stay repressed and transform into something else. you dont really hate people, but you still reject them! so what did you do with dominik? youre disappointed he wont chill with us, you feel betrayed, you feel real anger. and when he's around, you formulate that with sarcasm but how is he gonna know!

how am i gonna know? when i will maybe become more distant? you will tell me its alright but inside its not and then you judge me. why wont you let me do what i think is right for me? why wont you let dominik do what he thinks is right for him? you dont own him – and you dont need him.

now im not angry with you. and i should not be disappointed with you. you have your reasons to behave like this. but maybe i dont care. i feel like i have to care. i want to care if i genuinely feel it. you want me to care genuinely and not because i have to. and maybe, right now, i dont have the energy to sympathise. maybe not. i dont want to be nice always. i dont want to be perfect always. because im not and it makes

now i dont care about this topic so much anymore. its words. it's ego games.

i would not necessarily say that the neurological streams of information through our cortices are us, the consciousness, but that it arises from it just like a discussion arises from a group of people. there is no talker, there is talking, no person leads but the group dynamics lead themselves.

one thing, considering to do martial arts again, that then comes to my mind is: i dont want to respond to pressure by the master; i want to be motivated, but not pressured. i want to go in with a clear mind and interact with my body through the techniques of the martial art. i do not want to be aggressive or push too hard, i want to be clear in my mind and let the energy flow through me. do i want to seem dangerous? do i want to be dangerous? i want it to be like another form of meditation. what is the goal, then? well in part, to be more healthy. body needs to move. at least it appears. i feel like not doing sports at all has a repressing feeling to it – theres energy going on, but its not really leaving my body, only in short burts of emotional confusion. i feel expectations in my mind, i feel like people expect me to be sporty. i feel like they think im weak. do i need to be strong? for what reasons am i strong?

but test it out. there need not be any expectation in testing. go there. feel the vibes. be yourself. communicate. enter the room.

let your fear of being judged weak leave. it can leave. just open it the door; you dont need to push it away. because why would you want to push it away either? it doesnt feel good. thats how it is. do i want to feel good? im not sure about that. im not sure about pushing things away. but i can open the door and it will leave naturally.

so at the same time, if you feel that fear, welcome it. let it stay around, let it take its natural form, let it express itself (i dont want the others to see it! but why. let it express itself if it needs to.) but that doesnt have to mean you have to feel fear for it to leave.

maybe you also just think you have to feel fear and you make up your mind about it and talk about it, which is nothing.

so after some of those a bit more intense emotional outbreaks i have more or less managed to write about them and live through them. so maybe whats missing here is a voice saying that its alright, that youre okay, and this “youre okay” is based on true, empty (in the tao sense) love. learn to have this voice, tell yourself, its okay, become this voice. and its totally okay to lose that, because its okay.

ich muss schon seit wochen meinen ausweis abholen, und dafuer brauche ich meine abstammungsurkunde. die habe ich jetzt diese ganze woche lang mit mir rumgetragen, damit ich das dann irgendwann mache. jetzt wollte ich losgehen, und siehe da, die urkunde ist weg. irgendwo verloren. mal wieder. als ob ich zu blöd bin, auch nur ein dokument mal nicht zu verlieren. ich bin wütend, wütend auf mich selbst, und die wut ist stark, irgendwie stärker, weil ich sowieso schon diese woche emotional instabiler bin. ich will dinge kaputt machen und schlag in die luft weil ich nichts finde.

woher kommt die wut? ist sie ok? ist das zu viel? soll ich nicht so wütend sein? soll ich etwas dagegen tun? ich glaube einfach nur, dass die wut von irgendwo kommt und möchte das vielleicht erforschen. warum ist die eigene psyche so mystisch? warum versteckt sie sich vor sich selbst? was für einen sinn hat das? ich verstehe es nicht. ich will es nicht verstehen. ich will, dass es anders ist. ich will, dass die welt anders ist. ich will, dass ich nicht so vergesslich bin. ich will, dass meine abstammungsurkunde jetzt da ist und ich mein ausweis holen kann. sonst fühle ich mich vergesslich, sonst fühle ich mich etwas pathetic, wenn ich die dann erst doch montag oder spaeter abhole. ich habe angst dass ich den ausweis dann doch nicht bekomme, weil ich zu spaet bin.

muss ich jetzt immer einen text schreiben wenn ich wuetend bin? wie gehe ich damit um? ich will sie nicht wegschieben oder unterdruecken. was also. ausserdem war carsten immer so. er hat dinge nicht akzeptiert und wurde sehr wuetend und verkrampft und das hat man gespuert. es fuehlt sich haesslich an und ich will nicht wie carsten sein. ist das jaehzorn? denn er meine auch, dass unser grossvater jaehzornig war. ist sowas in der richtung passiert, dass es sich ubertraegt?

es wuerde mir besser gefallen, wenn ich mich identifizieren wuerde mit jmd der einfach intensive gefuehle hat. dann waere das ok fuer mich. dann fuehle ich mich zwar wuetend aber auch “das bin halt ich” und nehme es als etwas, das desirable ist. feeling of self-acceptance.

in dieser woche hat sich bitterness und wut geoeffnet. betrachte sie. welcome them. gehe mit ihnen um. wie geht man naemlich mit gefuehlen um, vor allem starke? was fuer einen charakter haben sie? was wollen sie? kann man sie sich wie personen vorstellen? oder einfach so spueren wie sie sind? soll man sie baendigen? oder durch sich durchgehen lassen?

jedenfalls kann ich es kaum akzeptieren, dass meine urkunde jetzt nicht da ist und ich die chance fuer heute verpasse. ich suche noch nach ihnen und akzeptiere dann.

she sent me a selfie and she said she liked it (how nice) and i really liked it too, and i wanted to answer just that and than my phone died and the only thing i have sent was some other thing so it now appears like i didn't care at all which i hope she won't really think.

what is there more to say, things happen how they do.

it makes me angry that im angry. why am i not in peace, like someone who talks so much about meditation should be?

apparently im rejecting dualistic thoughts, good and bad, and try to avoid them. probably its a misunderstanding of zen teachings that we should not categorize, probably my western mind hears their words and interprets them as “you should/ you should not”. but i also kind of dont know if they really are as nondualistic as they say.i feel like maybe they have that dualistic stuff hidden somewhere. but its exactly that practise to try to “clean”? no thats maybe not how to view it. its to feel what you feel and be present. thats the practise and its practise.

its really confusing sometimes. what am i even doing all of this for. why. to end my suffering? but isnt exactly letting suffering happen which ends it? its appears to be a paradox. also in the tao te ching they say when you give up everything you will have everything. with what motivation do you give up? to get everything? then you have not given up. how do you do that?