the last few days i felt a slight, but constant negativity, like a shade behind my eyes. where does it come from? can i just placebo it away or do i need to find and work on its potential cause? well and right now i feel like its cause is just my perfectionist attitude that compares my current situation in life with ideals/others, which i feel is best summarized by “dissatisfaction”.

why be dissatisfied then? the teaching of zen and pretty much any religion or philosophy about happiness is about living with what is, living with the moment. and what exactly am i criticizing? nothing in particular, and if i had something, well then i have something to work on which is good (i do tend to feel a bit bored right now, with nothing to do in my holidays). it would just depress me if i thought i couldn't achieve it, but that's just unrealistic, of course you can do something! but well as i said, there is nothing in particular, it's just my automated self-criticism, so i can safely see myself out of that pattern :) there is no need to be generally dissatisfied.

to be a bit more specific, right now im just spending a lot of time online again, in my room, and it disappoints me a little. in some moments i just binge over something that i find no real joy in, almost like an addiction (which technically isnt the same problem i began with here), but if i dont do it i just feel bored. so i have this idea of going out more, doing something new, but i just dont know what! i want to do some stuff closer to nature, closer to people, something slightly spiritual even. and hey you can do it! open your mind and it will approach you, open your eyes and take your chances! but also, it's okay to have a phase where you stay in your room. you know you're outgoing, you've proven that to yourself now so you can rest assured on that point. so paint your life with a little brighter colors :)

side note on satisfaction: it's not “real” if you try to cling on to it. it's real when it comes deeply, naturally. which is not so easy. so don't try to force or talk yourself into it, just choose different colors to paint your mental images, no need for justification there, and in the end, no words i describe here (i believe right now) can really get you to this authenticity, it comes from a peaceful mind reached by stuff like meditation, end of words -