one thing, considering to do martial arts again, that then comes to my mind is: i dont want to respond to pressure by the master; i want to be motivated, but not pressured. i want to go in with a clear mind and interact with my body through the techniques of the martial art. i do not want to be aggressive or push too hard, i want to be clear in my mind and let the energy flow through me. do i want to seem dangerous? do i want to be dangerous? i want it to be like another form of meditation. what is the goal, then? well in part, to be more healthy. body needs to move. at least it appears. i feel like not doing sports at all has a repressing feeling to it – theres energy going on, but its not really leaving my body, only in short burts of emotional confusion. i feel expectations in my mind, i feel like people expect me to be sporty. i feel like they think im weak. do i need to be strong? for what reasons am i strong?
but test it out. there need not be any expectation in testing. go there. feel the vibes. be yourself. communicate. enter the room.
let your fear of being judged weak leave. it can leave. just open it the door; you dont need to push it away. because why would you want to push it away either? it doesnt feel good. thats how it is. do i want to feel good? im not sure about that. im not sure about pushing things away. but i can open the door and it will leave naturally.
so at the same time, if you feel that fear, welcome it. let it stay around, let it take its natural form, let it express itself (i dont want the others to see it! but why. let it express itself if it needs to.) but that doesnt have to mean you have to feel fear for it to leave.
maybe you also just think you have to feel fear and you make up your mind about it and talk about it, which is nothing.