jlu

“why am i doing this research, why am i studying, why should i work for something that i would perhaps not do in my free time?”

note that this is slightly egoistic! you can also see work and study as a way to provide for your environment, to be with your surroundings, because you also profit from it. this is your home, society is a place you live in, so sometimes it demands things. if you can provide something that also matches with what you like, that can be quite liberating to stop thinking about what you want but also about what you are doing relative to your surroundings. im researching this topic which allows me to be in this university, have a home provided by the government and in turn i can be of use by bringing new thoughts into society. society as their ways, i have my ways, and all these different ways of being and thinking interact. i dont have to keep my way, i dont have to fight their way. i can fight their way if i believe its right. whatever happens, let the natural thing happen.

also, maybe, accept that, yes, you and others might very well be blinded by “false profiting”, like thinking youre rich but not actually being happy, or thinking youre happy but not actually being conscious. its not easy to be mindful and to be with the tao. if you let confusion and misbelief arise and not fight it, it will also go like that i guess. its confusing. however, you dont need to fight a system. you dont need to go with the system. just respond.

i would like to do things before time is running out and work at my own pace, so i might also have some extra time for thinking about details, take my own turns and detours when thinking and working (and i hate the way im writing rn, it made me burst inside but i guess its okay (tho i dont really like that happening, but i guess i learned that throughout my lifetime and this rage may subside at its own pace, i find it a bit hard to be zen without surpressing stuff, which might in part be because im a bit too excited about zen, and yes thats ego, and yes i have an ego and lets be careful not to have an implicit dislike or mentality of “ego is wrong” which i feel is creeping up).

but most of the time i just procrastinate until im forced to do stuff, not in my own way. i guess i should accept that oftentimes, things are not going my way and my surroundings almost dictate me. sometimes. but i cant be dictated if i allow the dictation.

also i feel like i still have to decide whether i want to work with the system of university and the way capitalism works or revolt against it, i guess i dont have to decide and can do this or that

”...und dann wurde er erleuchtet”

was wird damit ausgesagt? mir scheint das eher ein köder zu sein. wenn ich dem köder nachlaufe, habe ich verloren (und wenn ich ans verlieren denke, habe ich verloren). wenn ich den köder auf den boden schmeisse oder vor ihm weglaufe, auch dann habe ich verloren. wenn ich realisiere, dass ich nichts machen kann und keine entscheidung mich weiterbringen kann, auch dann habe ich verloren.

die ganzen zen meister und mönche – warum meditieren sie so viel? warum setzen sie sich mit dem zen auseinander? weil sie erleuchtet sein wollen? etwas in mir wird wütend, wenn ich das höre. wenn im zen koan jemand wütend ist, dann liegt er falsch – und was soll überhaupt falsch? warum?

mit solchen worten drehe ich mich nur im kreis. ich kann andere worte suchen oder worte aufgeben. egal, wofür ich mich entscheide – und das nicht hoffnungslos gemeint – es bringt nicht weiter. “weil es kein weiter gibt” nein! “weil das weiter im aufgeben der worte liegt” nein! kein weil! warum weil! für was, nochmal? und warum wütend werden? dissatisfied? ich will zumindestens nicht denken wie “sei klar und frei von emotionaler attachment” – wut kann auch dis-attached sein – und “ich will” ist auch nur eine reaktion. was würde ein erleuchteter mir sagen? mich von diesen worten befreien? gibt es erleuchtung? und was dann? will ich das? wer will das? und warum?

und so laufe ich der erleuchtung nach.

sometimes i get angry reading zen koans

ah, i saw my anger, now im free.

ah, i attach to non-attachment

ich habe etwas bildverarbeitung gemacht, aber mir fällt nicht wirklich ein, was ich da schreiben soll. und ich soll dazu noch literatur finden, aber ich finde bis jetzt nichts wirklich. bin jetzt gleichzeitig demotiviert aber kann auch nicht on-moven zu anderen dingen, weil ich sonst ein schlechtes gewissen bekomme.

ich werde später heute mich noch ransetzen oder morgen und weitermachen. viele kleine schritte sind angenehmer als wenige grosse.

i want enlightenment. though, i believe that there is no one enlightenment, and its not something that happens and then its done, maybe its a process, but maybe not even that, maybe its more like a dream we humans dream. right now i think its more of a name for certain kinds of experiences. and maybe thats just that. im not sure if there is a truth or secret to the universe or there is much to wake up from. but maybe there is. maybe i just dont want to wake up, it is. anyways, then i still want these kinds of experiences. mind bending. “consciousness expanding” (tho i have a personal emotional dislike to this term). spiritual. relevatory. its exciting. but maybe its just that. exciting. interesting. like an acid trip without any substances involved. and i do kinda feel like this desire is “not good”.

anyways, whatever is right, whatever is wrong, i also believe talking more about it will not do any difference.

.

“all buddha did was find a way to hack your brain into thinking it is constantly fine, constantly okay. he rejected the normal way of life, which is an interplay of suffering and winning, the driving force of life and evolution. if enlightenment was the goal, we would want to commit suicide, end this existence, stop the wheel from turning. do we really want to do that? i want to live! i want to thrive! i want to exist! and this, this deep outcry against darkness and death, is what keeps not only the human race, but the dance of life on earth alive.”

yes, dance. but one talk of alan watts (i just listened to the beginning*) made me aware of an interesting fact: this is just the dance of dualism. white is fighting against black, as he would say. why? because white is better than black? You are better than Not You?

my problem with this deep outcry is that its painful. its afraid. its afraid of the dark. it does not accept the dark. it wants to live and only live inside its territoy it will defend. it does not want to experience the boundaries of being. it wants to constrain its own consciousness to that what it knows safe. structures. existence. expanding. but for what? i propose: enjoy the dance of it all. the dance between being and non-being. watch evolution happen, play with it, not because you want to own it, not because you want to be anything, but because you simply, purely enjoy the dance. giving up yourself does not mean that it will all come to an end. it will continue flowing. and new, beautiful things will arise. i could even say: you holding on to yourself are blocking the flow of it all, blocking new beautiful things to come.

something like that,,.

*

i'm afraid i will not finish the big task in time i'm afraid i will finish the big task, in big stress, just barely in time i feel guilty of not doing anything about this yet.

an answer might be: be compassionate with yourself. you are not perfect and don't strive to be perfect. learn from your behaviour and adapt. do the things, free yourself from your guilt and your fears, now you can stop asking more questions.

but more questions are coming up: my head won't go quiet!

an answer might be: everything that was to say has been said but not everything that was to do has been done now is no time for thinking, now is time for doing. you can calmly and nicely let the voices quiet down and focus, gently, clearly, on your work

it is a practise.

ask no questions. do the things. why complicate simple matters?

when something good happens to me or i begin to feel peace and i begin to enjoy it, i stop because enjoying means clinging.

allow yourself to be content. allowing is not holding on. be warm to yourself. is a clear mind a cold mind?