jlu

i found a really nice and minimalistic text editor and it even syncs to google drive! i really like it and now i can write nice notes with it on subjects that i research or think about

i feel a bit clingy towards that, clingy towards things being nice and perfect and how i want them to be

i feel a bit of a pressure on my head, not quite a headache. i feel slightly “wrong”.

i like it when my room is tidied up and neat and nice but now it felt a little bit overly perfect to remove every thing on the ground, so i let some papers and books and keys and my phone lying there, and now im finding a bit of comfort in a bit of untidyness

now i want to write articles, also on technical stuff, and do hacking and programming and meet other hackers and program robots or some more real-touchy stuff

i had a feeling of “oh how nice is it that im having this system, these files, im researching on image processing filters, thats really cool, i really like doing this and also the way i do it”

and then “but for what am i doing this? for who? this is “just” a little homework, not really important because it isnt big and its already been solved”

then “but i value it because i like it. no external reason, just appreciation of this for the sake of itself.”

it almost seems to me that whenever i try to secure a reason or have some external acceptance its not really lasting and not really what i want. appreciation is not really something to grasp, its more like a state of conscioussness.

“but dont you need to push to be successfull and earn money and have a house and all that” yeaaaa but i really like this attitude that i made a few days of:

having a clear step you want to take as a goal, which for me now is just: finish this semester. which, without trying to justify it, is a reasonable step, not too big, just okay, in this material path.

then, i can care for this goal and make sure i meet it, but everything else, i just appreciate it. i just let it pass. so, for example for this homework: i can appreciate it, i can like it, without pressure, because this homework already is enough for my goal.

“but then youre not ambitious enough, strive further! dont go for mediocrity!” im thinking dualistically and with ego for getting food and having a foot in this world, being able to live. once im home with my food, i dont want to strive for further material. i have enough. after that, once you have enough, there is greater things to strive for, for example a mind of peace (which is a bit tricky because “striving for peace” ... is a tricky thing) and all that zen stuff. but really, once my material needs are met, i can just let everything pass and watch how everything goes and appreciate it, give up control.

the idea goes as follows:

if i cant let go of everything and completely surrender to the moment and all of the universe, then how about knowing what youre holding on to (is holding on to things what I want or not?) and knowing what youre still valueing, so that you can let go of everything else.

had fun talks with floormates in the kitchen, but also slightly pressured because i feel a bit like i have to prove myself and not be shy so that they will accept me, like i have to define myself or be funny or something. they said sherouk is very open and loud and this is why she gets to know people, which made me feel a bit jealous because i want to get to know many people, too, and i feel like my way of dealing with people is better because im not just loud but also im reinen mit mir selbst and this is why people like me because i see the good in them and us.

all of these are thoughts, all of these are impressions of my imperfect mind. there is a slight to urge to correct my attitude to be more wise because of course i dont have to prove myself and of course my way of dealing with people is not better than anyone others way and i dont have to be anything and i dont have to get to know many people. and thats nice. i dont need to strive for that and i dont need to reject this conception. i dont need to say anything. why am i still talking (but its alright to talk)

talk a bit more! just random words, just blabla, im justifying myself, proving myself, im really smart and enlightened, im so calm and good with people, and im just a really special person, kind of above others because they dont have this little it that i have, this little bit of intelligence for everything (wow, reader, please understand that im not really believing this, at least not my conscious self, but i do feel like the latter words came from a suppressed subconscious state... let yourself be even that what you dont want to be to let go of these things, you dont need to suprress stuff)

each month i had a different confusion and a different problem about zen, identification, peace, emotions and all that; and after a week passed, the problem passed too, just by itself.

when do i have to solve, when do i have to let it pass?

i need instructions. i need some framework of words around me. i need a reason for what im doing. i need to identify with some feeling. i want to say yes or no. i try to remember what i was trying to reach all the time. i try to remember what all these people, alan watts, terrence mckenna, myself, buddhists have been saying all the time. do i want to let go? do i want to feel peace? do i want to free myself from words? what do i want? what do i, merlin, want? im still a person. im still a human. im still me. with my personality. with who i am. i can say no to enlightenment. i can live my life, how i want it. i still need things. i still want things.

what do i want right now, as im cleaning my room? its okay if its not so clear and its okay if you feel like youre not feeling the right thing. youre waiting for something to happen. something almost magical. youre ignoring that youre a person. merlin. you're just cleaning your room. right now, i am just cleaning my room.

but now im just cleaning my room. now this is my instruction. now this is my “deep and philosophical” state of being. its hard to let go of all this exciting and existential stuff about zen n shit.

i just watched [1] up until minute 3:32 where a man comes to eckhart tolle about his anger issues. that he gets angry and thinks that all this spiritual stuff will not work anyway. and he also says that his heart is beating right now as he is speaking.

tolle then replies that he can let his heart beat, and then: that this feeling of “something is wrong” is not a personal problem of his, but a universal human condition. these words resonated with me, it makes me feel relieved because so often we think some problem is ours when in fact its not actually personal. and it takes the power of this thought, that its even okay that we think that something is not okay.

but one can also see that this man is suffering and he doesnt know how to deal with these angry thoughts and then i feel like what he might be feeling in that position: he tells him a personal feeling but then tolle replies with his theories. maybe the answer is not, in this case, what to do in general, and information, and what to do, but rather: look him in the eye, intuitively, and let him feel that he's okay, share with him your calmness. answer in a more personal manner. anyways i just want to notice that you can answer in a general, big, unpersonal way or in a specific, small and personal way. i remember phine telling me that my talking about all this zen stuff is so “far away” and she wants to bond personally. that being calm like this stereotypical image of the zen master is not human.

—

but at 10:44 both faces are shown again and tolle is speaking but he is not really looking at the mans face, is he? he doesnt seem satisfied with his answer, he still seems to be struggling, he might block his words because he doesnt understand or because he already actually did understand! and maybe he might feel inferior because he doesnt have so much ““awareness power”” but i might also be projecting.

[1] youtube.com/watch?v=aqX5IFKYFWk

you might be judging some things, and especially people, way too sweepingly. for some reason.

e.g.:

i just dislike the pomodoro technique because – i guess? – i believe that people who have to use it are weak anyways. (i didnt even rly notice! but who knows if i really believed that!)

i thought that ben shapiro is weird for talking like the way he talks, he seems to have some sort of almost arrogant certainty in what he says. but i dont know his story. i dont know how he grew up. i dont know how i would have reacted in his situation. he's also just a human.