i would like to do things before time is running out and work at my own pace, so i might also have some extra time for thinking about details, take my own turns and detours when thinking and working (and i hate the way im writing rn, it made me burst inside but i guess its okay (tho i dont really like that happening, but i guess i learned that throughout my lifetime and this rage may subside at its own pace, i find it a bit hard to be zen without surpressing stuff, which might in part be because im a bit too excited about zen, and yes thats ego, and yes i have an ego and lets be careful not to have an implicit dislike or mentality of “ego is wrong” which i feel is creeping up).
but most of the time i just procrastinate until im forced to do stuff, not in my own way. i guess i should accept that oftentimes, things are not going my way and my surroundings almost dictate me. sometimes. but i cant be dictated if i allow the dictation.
also i feel like i still have to decide whether i want to work with the system of university and the way capitalism works or revolt against it, i guess i dont have to decide and can do this or that