i had a feeling of “oh how nice is it that im having this system, these files, im researching on image processing filters, thats really cool, i really like doing this and also the way i do it”
and then “but for what am i doing this? for who? this is “just” a little homework, not really important because it isnt big and its already been solved”
then “but i value it because i like it. no external reason, just appreciation of this for the sake of itself.”
it almost seems to me that whenever i try to secure a reason or have some external acceptance its not really lasting and not really what i want. appreciation is not really something to grasp, its more like a state of conscioussness.
“but dont you need to push to be successfull and earn money and have a house and all that” yeaaaa but i really like this attitude that i made a few days of:
having a clear step you want to take as a goal, which for me now is just: finish this semester. which, without trying to justify it, is a reasonable step, not too big, just okay, in this material path.
then, i can care for this goal and make sure i meet it, but everything else, i just appreciate it. i just let it pass. so, for example for this homework: i can appreciate it, i can like it, without pressure, because this homework already is enough for my goal.
“but then youre not ambitious enough, strive further! dont go for mediocrity!” im thinking dualistically and with ego for getting food and having a foot in this world, being able to live. once im home with my food, i dont want to strive for further material. i have enough. after that, once you have enough, there is greater things to strive for, for example a mind of peace (which is a bit tricky because “striving for peace” ... is a tricky thing) and all that zen stuff. but really, once my material needs are met, i can just let everything pass and watch how everything goes and appreciate it, give up control.