had fun talks with floormates in the kitchen, but also slightly pressured because i feel a bit like i have to prove myself and not be shy so that they will accept me, like i have to define myself or be funny or something. they said sherouk is very open and loud and this is why she gets to know people, which made me feel a bit jealous because i want to get to know many people, too, and i feel like my way of dealing with people is better because im not just loud but also im reinen mit mir selbst and this is why people like me because i see the good in them and us.
all of these are thoughts, all of these are impressions of my imperfect mind. there is a slight to urge to correct my attitude to be more wise because of course i dont have to prove myself and of course my way of dealing with people is not better than anyone others way and i dont have to be anything and i dont have to get to know many people. and thats nice. i dont need to strive for that and i dont need to reject this conception. i dont need to say anything. why am i still talking (but its alright to talk)
talk a bit more! just random words, just blabla, im justifying myself, proving myself, im really smart and enlightened, im so calm and good with people, and im just a really special person, kind of above others because they dont have this little it that i have, this little bit of intelligence for everything (wow, reader, please understand that im not really believing this, at least not my conscious self, but i do feel like the latter words came from a suppressed subconscious state... let yourself be even that what you dont want to be to let go of these things, you dont need to suprress stuff)