i need instructions. i need some framework of words around me. i need a reason for what im doing. i need to identify with some feeling. i want to say yes or no. i try to remember what i was trying to reach all the time. i try to remember what all these people, alan watts, terrence mckenna, myself, buddhists have been saying all the time. do i want to let go? do i want to feel peace? do i want to free myself from words? what do i want? what do i, merlin, want? im still a person. im still a human. im still me. with my personality. with who i am. i can say no to enlightenment. i can live my life, how i want it. i still need things. i still want things.
what do i want right now, as im cleaning my room? its okay if its not so clear and its okay if you feel like youre not feeling the right thing. youre waiting for something to happen. something almost magical. youre ignoring that youre a person. merlin. you're just cleaning your room. right now, i am just cleaning my room.
but now im just cleaning my room. now this is my instruction. now this is my “deep and philosophical” state of being. its hard to let go of all this exciting and existential stuff about zen n shit.