jlu

well illustrated here: www.beautifulchemistry.net/structure#/quasicrystals/

(sorry, i just like to make things weird; other people like to make everything straight; maybe we should go the middle way, not trying to make anything anything. so i'll try to just state what is, but i cannot help to speak in between the lines with some implications)

Okay, I can't find what I was reading again, maybe look it up later, but basically 1) aperiodical tiling was invented/found 2) then, after that, aperiodical crystals were found. jung was implying psychological projections on matter, the work of an alchemist. also the meme “consciousness creates reality”.

(btw this is just beautiful: a mathematical-abstract interpretation of the sun en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Penrose_tiling#/media/File:AnimSun2k.gif)

Very very interesting talk with this chemical student about his exam: they are asked to transform given substances (as physical toys) through reactions to the target substance, and he said how there are multiple ways for certain substances, and all this does, in fact, especially with those complicated names everywhere, remind me of alchemy and magical spells and all that. now don't misunderstand me; i would put this as our heritage of our explorations in consciousness and the cosmos (big words wow) which do kind of lay the foundations of modern science and way of living. im not so sure myself, but werent it the alchemists who first were interested in investigating matter? liquids? strange things that were made of reactions that they were projecting to be certain symbols (strong connection to astrology, also a “medieval precursor” to astronomy) (next to me people are talking about hamburg politics it gives me a headache) (and i feel a lot of sexual symbols everywhere). well what i just want to say is that the world, if you open yourself up a bit to our psyches, which are already here, lead you to strange worlds. and i feel like this is exactly what happens when you broaden your horizon: the landscape becomes strange and weirder, on the limit of our understanding, opening doors, but also teaching how some form of living takes place exactly there, not in the dwelling at home, where we understand things and were just using the tools provided by the ones who went out. its a bit hard to go to deep into physics, for example, without being confronted with spiritual topics, but the same goes for psychology, and i feel like what many of us do is just come up with clever ways to distance themselves from these certain strange but extremely personal topics.

i saw myself as an organism. an organism which consists of many many living beings, the cells in me. and i also see how i myself am a cell in another organism, society. but its not just that: i listened to indian music and in the comments the following metaphor was told (btw im adopting a certain prose style here, like telling a story, it's also something that we just do, we tell stories also in the text books like our ancestors did around the fire (i imagine)): that if you let go of your ego, krishna will play through you, with your chakras as holes, like a flute a beautiful song. and i tried that out: let the song play through me, then wondering who is playing the song, krishna, it is in a sense also myself, but in another way, and suddenly i felt like i was part of a bigger being, like my cells were seeing me, the human, and i told them about myself, and they can live their lives just how they want, i have no right to order them around, but they say they dont want to live in chaos, the song plays itself if we let go, we're playing the song.

now do this a little bit with more intensity and you might understand psychotic people a bit more? but i have never really met one, just indications from certain people (trip reports, which are quite similar in nature to psychotic states of being, at least many people would agree with me on that).

“Ein Stern hat gescheint, ich bin ein Keim.”

der halbgute psychologe von damals, als er gerufen wird, dass ein monster seine tochter bessese, uberlegt, wie er damit umgehen kann ,ohne die tochter zu beruehren. schliesslich benutzt er gewalt: er will das “monster” ausraeuchern, und das zwingt tocher und vater zur konfrontation: der vater wollte ihr nichts vom essen abgeben, er brauchte es selber, und erst als er ihr die karotte gibt, wird sie wieder kleiner und das monsterproblem ist geloest.

erinnert mich an freudscher “freier assoziation” , mit der mit Ausschweifen des Bewusstseins in die Traeume und Tagtraumischen freireden und assoziieren dann tiefe innere komplexe gefunden und vlt. geloest werden koennen.

(Siehe Alice Im Wunderland, 1951, ab minute 20 – etw. 25)

Und auch in heutigen Serien – Ein Doktor untersucht einen Patienten, waehrend er von seinen psychischen Problemen spricht, nicht von physischen. Der Doktor schaut sehr ordentlich mit seinen Geraeten rein, aber dann faellt irgendwann auf, das er eine “andere Art Doktor” braucht – und so wird das noch heute dargestellt. Obwohl immer mehr, und berechtigterweise, manchmal ein “Shamane” gebraucht wird, kein Wissenschaftler, sondern ein Traeumer. (South Park – Total PC – 9 Minuten)

How some things and opinions get obscured and “locked away” into categories:

Drugs are a serious issue. What might come to mind are cartels, drug dealers, overdosing and the related deaths, drug induced psychosis, dadada... all related to substances like methamphetamine and heroin. Then, just slide into it substances like LSD and psilocybin into the same thing, and suddenly people also associate these things with those substances and don't want to take them. And yes, of course they are drugs, but theyre also “drugs” (in italics), which substances like antidepressants and sugar are not.

A lot of woo-woo stuff, bored white people appropriating native religions into their lives, not knowing a thing: “New Age”. Then, just throw in other opinions that might be a bit like that into this category and then “oh no this opinion is also like that”

from an online discussion [1] on schizophrenia:

“When you leave platos cave the sunlight is gonna leave a tan”

https://www.reddit.com/r/Jung/comments/f475c5/psychosis/fhooht5?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x

the celebration around the table laid with beautifuly designed dishes, on the sparkling sculptures made of glass lie pieces of other carefully prepared foods, the people eat, but not just for the food – they dance around the artwork in the middle akin to natives dancing around a fire, they talk to each other, celebrate their wealth, pass their time around home.

i mean just look at this picture: (https://i.postimg.cc/66YWjwns/image.png)

kathmandu, nepal, seems to be associated with datura use

[] , somewhere between 40 and 46 min

it is slightly amusing noticing how i stay away from media and movies, afraid to be infected by cultural ideas – do that a bit more and you will be a schizophrenic. now is that good or bad? better stay safe on the side of mass society.

why is she just saying “well ehh i dont know what to reply” and then “i have to sleep”. she doesnt care at all about what i am! well then why am i putting up with her! i can go on look for humanity and peace while she might find someone who meets her romantic expectations. which is the road of highs and lows. im done with these roads and i want to show her other ways, and i will just go and invite her, and she can freely decide if she wants that or not.

“so you don't really want her to come with you” you only say that because i'm not doing the romantic line “i can't leave without you, i need you, please come with me”. i'm done with the highs and lows. i would like to go the path of peace, and i don't know how to have a peaceful relationship, because peace usually also involves letting go of your self, and that also means letting go of others, but that doesn't mean leaving them. so what happens between us when we go together can not be put into words. it cannot. and i cannot put into words my love for you – but i don't mean that in a poetic way or in a romantic way, i mean it like that: i want to stop looking for love in words and relationships and concepts, i will look for it in the present moment, which is eternal.

so what does that mean? exactly. neither nothing nor something. im letting go. im letting go of myself. and im letting go of you. if this makes you cry, let it cry. youre crying because of words. we feel emotions because of mental images. is that right? is that wrong? what do we do with it? exactly. we can not do nothing and we can not do anything.

“how can you be so neutral about all of this. what about me. am i just another person. where are your feelings.” this is where i feel strange. i feel strange. youre not even here. im sitting alone in my room in front of my laptop, writing about this. you don't even exist. you're not real. seriously.

“of course i'm real. i'm just somewhere else and youre using words to refer to me. wtf.” i have ended up in a even stranger confusion. do you see how im playing with symbols?

“WHY CANT YOU JUST SAY 'I LOVE YOU'? and what are you talking about all this stuff all the time? symbols? zen? enlightenment? youre crazy. its not that complicated. idk. you can talk about that all you want but i dont feel comfortable with it.” yea you want me to make you feel comfortable.

all of this is very confusing. i'm not even trying to understand anything because being rational is not in the trend anymore. just remember how i can be warm and how i told you that i love you, at least then its a memory of a situation that happened. oooooooooooh wait see, here i am again, involved in a romantic story. “what is wrong with that” idk i could probably read some stuff about whats wrong with western romanticism but i don't want to, i just don't go along with it very well.

it is my intuition that any kind of love: love towards yourself (which is also love for all beings), love for your family, and love for this one specific other special person, the significant other (sorry for the cynical tone) comes when i let go. when i let go and am free. i love my brother, and i love him freely and dearly, as i try my best (more or less) to support him and be there for him. “but this is exactly what i want in a relationship” yes but in a romantic relationship there is this expectation. it is there. when i talk to another girl you get jealous. when you talk to another guy i get jealous. we do not let go. we are clinging. exactly because we say we are in a relationship, because saying that is saying “we can not love someone else romantically” and that means “if the other loves someone else, that means they love me less”. suddenly love has limits. if she smiles at him how she never smiled to me before, there's a problem. she might love me less than she loves him. if i talk about another girl in engaged tones, theres a problem. i might find her more interesting than my own girlfriend.

there is nothing to understand here, i need to remind myself. and my intuition tells me, with confused allergy: a relationship has little to do with love. it feels more like a social institution. it's like the catholic church teaching and preaching about jesus, but living nothing like he lived, yet you can not discuss about it. i just leave the church and try to live like jesus. far fetched analogy but i think it fits. i can try to talk less, just leave the relationship, face the emotional outburst, then try to love, simply, without words.

voices are telling me that this has become an essay now. well shit. also btw im fully aware of how ironic all of this must be and i don't know how often i have contradicted myself. im mostly confused and this feels more accurate than knowing what the hell is going on in the human psyche.

now how the hell do i end this text.. i think i'll just not end it at all and drink tea instead haha