jlu

“thats how i was and thats how i will be”

“The pharmacology of LSD had changed in rats over the course of two hours or so; it changed at about midpoint from one that was mediated by activation of serotonin receptors to one that was mediated by activation of dopamine receptors. “

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talking me talking me talking me talking me talking me talking me talking me talking me talking me talking me talking me talking me talking me talking me talking me talking me talking me talking me talking me talking me talking me talking me talking me talking me talking me talking me talking to myself to myself to myself to myself to myself to myself to myself to myself to myself to myself to myself to myself to myself to myself to myself to myself to myself to myself to myself to myself to myself to myself to myself to myself to myself to myself to myself to myself to myself to myself to myself to myself to myself to myself to myself to myself to myself to myself to myself to myself to myself to myself to myself to myself to myself to myself to myself to myself to myself to myself to myself to myself to myself to myself to myself to myself to myself to myself to myself to myself to myself to myself to myself to myself to myself to myself to myself this that this that this that this that this that this that this that this that this that this that this that this that this that this that this that this that this that this that this that this that this that this that this that this that this that this that this that this that this that this that this that this that this that this that this that this that this that this that this that this that this that this that this that this that this that this that this that this that this that this that this that this that this that this that this that this that this that this that this that this that this that this that this that this that this that this that this that this that this that this that this that this that this that this that this that this that this that this that this that this that this that this that this that this that this that this that this that this that this that this that this that this that this that this that this that this that this that this that this that this that this that this that thats true thats true thats true thats true thats true thats true thats true thats true thats true thats true thats true thats true thats true thats true thats true thats false thats false thats false thats false thats false thats false thats false thats false thats false thats false thats false thats false thats false thats false thats false this person did that this person did that this person did that this person did that this person did that this person did that this person did that this person did that this person did that this person did that this person did that this person did that this person did that the other person said this the other person said this the other person said this the other person said this the other person said this the other person said this the other person said this the other person said this the other person said this the other person said this the other person said this the other person said this the other person said this the other person said this the other person said this the other person said this the other person said this the other person said this they hate me they hate me they hate me they hate me they hate me they hate me they hate me they hate me they hate me they hate me they hate me they hate me they hate me they hate me they hate me they hate me they hate me they hate me

Ein zynisches, deprimiertes, lebens-ablehnendes, ja ein allgemein alles, auch das, was genau jetzt ist und genau so ist, ablehnendes Wesen taucht in mir auf, woher auch immer, aus einem Samen, aus dem Untergrund, oder durch Infektion, jedenfalls ist es da und ich frag mich, was es will.

Ich bin inspiriert von folgender Antwort auf die Frage [1], was man denn mit einem psychedelischem Kaktus anfangen soll, der gar kein Meskalin hervorbringt: “Let the rest of it callous off, root it out, plant it, and join the rest of us in discovering what this organism wants from life. It may or may not be weak because of lack of genetic potential; nobody really knows. This is not Safeway, this is a living organism we are approaching and attempting to enlist. Negotiations may be in order. If nothing else, the flowers are gorgeous.”

Jetzt bin ich vom Kaktus abgelenkt. Was war da noch mal in mir? Ach ja, irgendein “dunkles” Wesen. Dunkel/Hell? Nehme ich diesen Dualismus an? Jedenfalls kann dieses Wesen so viel negieren wie es will, die Welt ist genau so, wie sie jetzt ist, und ich bin in ihr lebendig. Ich lade dieses Wesen ein, mit mir zu leben, es kann vollkommen in mir aufgehen, aufblühen, sich selbst spüren, sich selbst heilen, leben. Zu oft wurde es unterdrückt und zu oft wurde es bestätigt – ich weiss nicht, woher du kommst! Vielleicht kannst du mir das ja auch erzählen, aber ich lasse dich nicht vor der Tür stehen, komm rein, demolier mein ganzes Haus, zerstöre meinen Fernseher, setze meinen schönen Teppich in Brand, ich schaue dir dabei zu und betrachte das tanzende rote Lichterspiel gespiegelt in den Glasscherben. Du kannst das Leben nicht töten. Du kannst nicht töten. Es gibt nichts ausser das Leben, den Tod siehst du mit deinen wilden, verblendeten Augen.

[1] https://www.erowid.org/plants/cacti/cacti_sanpedro_potency_faq.shtml

Aus dem bunten, gefährlichen Wald geht der Mensch, schmiedet Werkzeuge, schmiedet Pläne, um der Gefahr zu entkommen, und zäunt in diese natürliche Wesen ein: Pflanzen, Tiere, Menschen, sich selbst.

Jetzt sind alle sicher eingegittert. Wer will noch in die Natur sterben?

but then someone will read the text i wrote and ask me “are you fine?” “i'm concerned” “how do you want to fix this? here, do this:”

none of this.

i could say

“no its alright, im just writing it out but i feel okay with it” “yea idk what to do i guess i just need to go travelling and itll be fine but living here is just hell” “i wrote it as a reflection of my thoughts in my mind, while not attaching to them, just being a non-judgemental awareness”

none of this.

“you're supressing your emotions” makes me angry. am i supressing my emotions? yes or no?

none of this! cannot put into words! cannot decide! stop abusing words!

im useless. i cant even grow little fucking peas. im too lazy to do anything. i say im a good coder but also i dont do anything there. one failure follows after another failure. i even suck at getting high. nobody will want to take me as a workaway traveller. im a bad boyfriend, im an emotional wreck, im hateful, cold, and she will leave me at some point. or if she doesnt, we'll be miserable together.

today i have no energy to do anything. okay well, i have, but i dont want to. i have to go outside to send a mail. just that. i dont want to go out just for that. but i want to go out to be in the garden. oh youre positive now? yay! lets go to the garden! everything is fine now! ahhh yes being cynical is better, in this position nobody can judge you because youre above everything else. :)

i'm cynical because, maybe, it makes me feel more important and it's an easy way out of responsibility. i'm free to do what i want, and that's wonderful.

Games that impose as little restrictions as possible to provide a virtual space of creativity, like Minecraft, become interesting on an other order of magnitude as they allow for meta-games and meta-realities to arise.

yea

hello hande <3