why is she just saying “well ehh i dont know what to reply” and then “i have to sleep”. she doesnt care at all about what i am! well then why am i putting up with her! i can go on look for humanity and peace while she might find someone who meets her romantic expectations. which is the road of highs and lows. im done with these roads and i want to show her other ways, and i will just go and invite her, and she can freely decide if she wants that or not.
“so you don't really want her to come with you” you only say that because i'm not doing the romantic line “i can't leave without you, i need you, please come with me”. i'm done with the highs and lows. i would like to go the path of peace, and i don't know how to have a peaceful relationship, because peace usually also involves letting go of your self, and that also means letting go of others, but that doesn't mean leaving them. so what happens between us when we go together can not be put into words. it cannot. and i cannot put into words my love for you – but i don't mean that in a poetic way or in a romantic way, i mean it like that: i want to stop looking for love in words and relationships and concepts, i will look for it in the present moment, which is eternal.
so what does that mean? exactly. neither nothing nor something. im letting go. im letting go of myself. and im letting go of you. if this makes you cry, let it cry. youre crying because of words. we feel emotions because of mental images. is that right? is that wrong? what do we do with it? exactly. we can not do nothing and we can not do anything.
“how can you be so neutral about all of this. what about me. am i just another person. where are your feelings.” this is where i feel strange. i feel strange. youre not even here. im sitting alone in my room in front of my laptop, writing about this. you don't even exist. you're not real. seriously.
“of course i'm real. i'm just somewhere else and youre using words to refer to me. wtf.” i have ended up in a even stranger confusion. do you see how im playing with symbols?
“WHY CANT YOU JUST SAY 'I LOVE YOU'? and what are you talking about all this stuff all the time? symbols? zen? enlightenment? youre crazy. its not that complicated. idk. you can talk about that all you want but i dont feel comfortable with it.” yea you want me to make you feel comfortable.
all of this is very confusing. i'm not even trying to understand anything because being rational is not in the trend anymore. just remember how i can be warm and how i told you that i love you, at least then its a memory of a situation that happened. oooooooooooh wait see, here i am again, involved in a romantic story. “what is wrong with that” idk i could probably read some stuff about whats wrong with western romanticism but i don't want to, i just don't go along with it very well.
it is my intuition that any kind of love: love towards yourself (which is also love for all beings), love for your family, and love for this one specific other special person, the significant other (sorry for the cynical tone) comes when i let go. when i let go and am free. i love my brother, and i love him freely and dearly, as i try my best (more or less) to support him and be there for him. “but this is exactly what i want in a relationship” yes but in a romantic relationship there is this expectation. it is there. when i talk to another girl you get jealous. when you talk to another guy i get jealous. we do not let go. we are clinging. exactly because we say we are in a relationship, because saying that is saying “we can not love someone else romantically” and that means “if the other loves someone else, that means they love me less”. suddenly love has limits. if she smiles at him how she never smiled to me before, there's a problem. she might love me less than she loves him. if i talk about another girl in engaged tones, theres a problem. i might find her more interesting than my own girlfriend.
there is nothing to understand here, i need to remind myself. and my intuition tells me, with confused allergy: a relationship has little to do with love. it feels more like a social institution. it's like the catholic church teaching and preaching about jesus, but living nothing like he lived, yet you can not discuss about it. i just leave the church and try to live like jesus. far fetched analogy but i think it fits. i can try to talk less, just leave the relationship, face the emotional outburst, then try to love, simply, without words.
voices are telling me that this has become an essay now. well shit. also btw im fully aware of how ironic all of this must be and i don't know how often i have contradicted myself. im mostly confused and this feels more accurate than knowing what the hell is going on in the human psyche.
now how the hell do i end this text.. i think i'll just not end it at all and drink tea instead haha